Here we are, almost a year up to our ears with da rona, trying to make sense of a pandemic that’s been ongoing much longer than any of us expected. Remember in March when we all thought it would be over in a few weeks? There are many different movie/TV versions of our current predicament. In those versions, there is a sexy main character beating the odds to save us all from the virus. They encounter setbacks on their journey, there is a love interest along the way, a character we grew to love dies, and the main character finally triumphs and saves us all. I have so many questions about these movies now. What did Brad Pitt do to save the economy? Where are the emails from every single company we’ve ever heard of telling us what they are doing to handle Covid-19?  Where are the people demanding haircuts? Where is the fictitious online world that has the general population being fed information by for-profit enterprises that sell access to our personal information? Where are the toilet paper and yeast shortage?! There are so many questions that go unanswered by the intense background music and the hero who has walked through fire to save us!

There is no movie that can properly prepare you to be in a true worldwide pandemic (I assume, I haven’t actually watched many pandemic movies). We are all stuck in this crazy timeline having to deal with the unique challenges that exist for each of us as individuals. The spectrum in which our situations differ can be worlds apart, but I think it is fair to say we are all presented with challenges. I’m extremely fortunate that I am still employed, my loved ones are safe, and earlier this year I was able to spend extra time with my two-year-old son. Working from home with a toddler was certainly challenging at times, but I’m very lucky that I genuinely feel grateful for the extra time I got to spend with him (even if most of the time I was wondering how the fuck I was going to get through this with my sanity). There was a point when the most frustrating part of isolation for me was how often the word UNPRECEDENTED was being used. It is truly unprecedented how often we are using the term unprecedented *jumps in the ocean*. I’ve been sucked into a few conversations about the speed at which the economy has opened, masks, vaccines, etc., but then I take a step back and realize that I’m an idiot. I see what is happening in the world and I am actively trying to not involve myself in toxic conversations. My job throughout all this isn’t to make political decisions, it’s to try and get through things as best as I can. My opinion and perspective don’t hold much weight in the grand scheme of the world, and if I get bogged down in negative conversations with biased motivations, I am no better than the meatballs yelling that Covid is a hoax and using the #alllivesmatter hashtag. I started this blog to post things that were fun for me to write about and along the way a few people have read it. I realize people may be sick of every 30-year-old white guy with a blog or podcast sharing their quarantine secrets to a better life and whatnot, but there are a few observations that I want to share.

Pan’dad’mic 

I take my dad duties pretty seriously. Despite being certified useless in many areas of life, I put in the work as a dad and I put in a lot of early mornings. Once the stay at home order hit, I made a commitment to try and be as patient and positive as possible, to remember my toddler is a developing human that knows almost nothing about the world, and to get through this with my sanity. I was prepared to blare pump up music for the 6 am wake ups, shadow box the wall, smear war paint on my face as if going into battle, and face the little 3-foot tall terrorist that is my son. I was ready! Well… How quickly my unwavering resolve to be patient and positive turned into a zombie style walk to the coffee machine to contemplate my existence while K-Cup life juice fell into my cup, surrounded by a mess that would concern a social worker. Trying to answer emails and phone calls while Max is genetically engineered to hurt himself; was really, really difficult. My job requires me to interact with quite a few people and deal with decisions that impact their lives. I love my job, but trying to juggle work and childcare while in person AA meetings were shut down almost broke me. I found myself not feeling like I was doing anything well. I got negative; I approached almost every situation cynically and made unfair assumptions.  I assumed everyone was upset with me about everything and was in a constant state of worry. On one hand, I understood how privileged and lucky I was, but as powerful as perspective can be, feeling like a failure is still an intense struggle.

I know I’m my worst enemy at times. I don’t even think I have any other enemies, so I guess I have to be my own worst enemy *philosophical stare at the ceiling with hand on chin*. My problems all stem from me catastrophizing things. I’ve always had a vivid and wild imagination, which is great when you are picturing a fairy tale life and winning the lottery, but it sucks ass when you convince yourself you are screwing everything up and unable to celebrate the things that are going well because you are just wondering where you screwed up and how you’re going to let someone down. The craziest part of this vicious cycle is that I somehow make the decision I’ve let someone down without any of their input! I can make a decision on how someone feels about me or something I did without ever even talking to them about it. It’s completely irrational. It’s not fair or logical for me to make a decision on how someone feels about me or something I did. I don’t have the right to decide how people feel about me, nor do I have the right to treat them as if I know what they think. I don’t know what anyone else is thinking, I don’t even know what day of the week it is anymore!

In the midst of some mental health struggles, there has been some major personal growth for me as well. I think of every version of myself I’ve ever wanted to be throughout my life. The junior high/high school me laying in my single bed and dreaming of being a professional athlete, despite not even being one of the top two players on a high school basketball team in a community of 8,000 people. I think of me in university doing a business degree dreaming of doing businessy things and getting rich or something. I think of every version of myself that I have used my overactive imagination to fantasize about, and while a month straight of 5 am toddler wake ups has made me question my existence a few times, I realize that none of those dream versions of myself compared to how happy and proud I am to be a dad. Nothing can even remotely compare.  I know everyone’s perspective, desires, goals, etc., all differ in this world, and that’s what makes the firework show of life so great. But for me, being a dad is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given, and this pandemic has only made that more clear. I know many dads feel the same, but I just wish more would say it in the open.

Men Are Not Open on Social Media

If you roll your eyes at this topic you might as well stop reading, cause it’s about to get mushy in this bitch. I have tons of moms on my social media that express just how much they love their children but also acknowledge how hard parenting can be. It’s truly amazing to watch the surge of support and positivity that gets generated on these posts. There is an amazing online support movement developing that we all get to witness on the internet. On the flip side, I have tons of dads on social media and don’t see a fraction of the activity regarding their parenting experience. There are tons of mom groups specifically created for mothers to support and interact with each other. I’m sure those dad groups exist, but they are not near as common. I really hope this starts to change. I so badly want to post a “YASSS KING!” support comment when a fellow dad opens up about the trials and tribulations of fatherhood. I WANT TO DO IT BAD!

The reality is that men still don’t talk about their feelings very much. I literally write about my feelings and put them online for everyone to read and I still struggle with articulating and acknowledging the blatant barriers men have in being more open. It’s only really just becoming normal for men to even acknowledge how prevalent this is. I’m 31 and I know that I grew up in a much different time than we currently live. Men not pulling their weight on child care and housework was the norm. In terms of emotional exchanges, you might sneak a deep chat or two in with the old man if you got caught drinking, or when you were being disciplined, but frequent vulnerable exchanges of emotions between father and son were not the norm in the circles I ran. We all know the masculine stereotypes that contributed to this culture, but why is it still so prevalent now? Why can we so plainly see that addressing our problems and expressing our emotions can be helpful, but specifically avoid it because of a lingering masculine stereotype? I know women have been highlighting this issue forever, trust me, I am with you. I’m sure psychologists and social scientists can explain this element of society much better than me, but I think many of us have a hard time criticizing the men who helped us become who we are, and that leads to a slower reaction in changing things that ought to be changed. We see the hard work and sacrifices our fathers made to provide, we know that times were much different when we were growing up, we love the important male influences in our lives relentlessly, but I think many people refrain from criticizing the blatant areas where we should be striving for change. Women have accelerated their contribution to household income at an exponential rate, being represented in record numbers across almost every industry that was traditionally male-dominated. 

Yet, despite these amazing strides women are making to contribute even further to their families, the statistics show that men can barely increase the number of fucking diapers they change. If you don’t believe me spend five minutes on Google and you’ll get it. Women still bear the brunt of the household duties and childcare, while also working full time. Men – we are still doing one of these. Change your share of the fucking diapers, sweep the god damn floor, do the laundry, be honest when something is bothering you, and acknowledge that participating in something that may have been feminine when you were a kid is not a knock to your pride. In fact, it might be one of the most meaningful things you can do. If you don’t pull your weight, man the fuck up and contribute. Give me a reason to “YASSS KING!”

Let’s All Get Microchipped

We may not have a sexy protagonist like Brad Pitt creating a vaccine and finding a way to load it into water bombers to dump over the entire world at once, but we do seem to have some intelligent people who have developed something that can help protect us. I know many of our distant cousins and random Facebook friends from High School have issued stern warnings about the microchips in the vaccines, mind control tactics the government has conspired around wearing masks, and a few other conspiracy theories, but I for one am very excited to get *microchipped* and start planning to see the people I love and care about in other provinces. Covid has pushed us even more into an online existence and it is so easy to be consumed by negativity. I know it consumed me for a while. But I think the antidote to negativity is simply an effort to get rid of it. When my mental health is struggling I can always look back and recognize that I wasn’t truly making an effort to improve. I am as guilty as anyone for assuming a victim mentality at times and it can be so easy to do so when the world is in a state of chaos, but that is no excuse to accept defeat. It is our own responsibility to get the help we need and sometimes that is as simple as asking for help. To get healthier you have to try and get healthier, to be a better person you need to put in the effort to actually be a better person, to accomplish any positive change you have to put in a genuine effort. Help is always there for those who can bring themselves to ask.